February 2012
2 posts
Fuck you leap day.
I just found out, if not for February 29, the seasons would ignore their allocated months and gradually drift later into the year.
Feb 29 in Australia is the equivalent of Summer getting an extension on its assignment because it still hasn’t finished being hot even though it was supposed to be Autumn by today.
Consider this, if not for the leap day… Australia…would one...
12 years and over
I just saw a live comedy poster advertising a show as being ‘suitable for ages 12 and over’.
Does that weird anyone else out?
I get 15+, your innocence has been crushed at high school by then - but 12?
I can’t think of one thing that is appropriate for a 12 year old, but inappropriate for an 11 year old.
What’s especially weird is that the comedian in question is a 45...
October 2011
1 post
Very mini documentary about comedy I made
So, early this year I made this series of videos about stand up comedy as part of the work I do on Comedy.com.au. They’re specifically about stand up comedy and comedy festivals. I was very lucky to have access to some of the hardest working and funniest comedians in the country.
You don’t see modern Australian stand ups getting a chance to talk about “their craft” on...
September 2011
4 posts
Sketch Comedy 2
1. INT HOSPITAL DAY 1.
DEAF GUY RECOVERING FROM AMNESIA Hitler did what to six million shoes!?
END
Everybody Loves Tom
Me to girlfriend: Just because you want something more than me, doesn’t mean it’s more important, OK!?
______________
Fan fact: What Tom wanted was to not put his shoes away.
My weekend
On Sunday I saw a lady run up to a Woolworths employee shouting
“I need Quick-Eze. What aisle are the Quick-Eze!? Do you know Quick-Eze?”
Oh man. You should have seen it. She was all like:
“I need Quick-Eze. What aisle are the Quick-Eze!? Do you know Quick-Eze?”
I don’t know if I’m selling it.
A woman. Running. Indigestion.
What a wonderful weekend.
August 2011
6 posts
Sketch Comedy
I’ve been writing sketches for my friend’s sketch group. They didn’t like this one:
1. EXT - THE PARK - DAY 1.
GIRL Damn, that boy’s got swagger.
BOY I have cerebral palsy, Monique!
THE END
The day I made my boss laugh
Boss: Tom, what’s a word for tweeting about fisting?
Me: Fweeting.
Boss: What?
Me: Fweeting.
Boss: *laughs*
Office lawyer walking by: What’s fweeting?
Boss and Me: *laughing*
Boss: Tweeting about fisting.
Daylezford
This lyric from the new Kanye/Jay Z album:
…run a bubble bath. And float in that motherfucker like a hovercraft…
is making me feel a lot cooler about this weird weekend retreat spa trip I’m going to with my girlfriend, mum and her boyfriend this weekend.
Not it’s not. It’s still weird.
Is it weird?
No, fuck you, it’s going to be hell luxurious and as long as I can’t see my mum anywhere I...
Died
I once told my friend that a distant friend of both of ours had died when they hadn’t (they pulled through).
I meant to call my friend to correct myself but couldn’t be bothered.
What do you reckon?
Business Email to Tom Ballard
So, I work for some comedians who are also close friends of mine. This means that I often get carried away during professional emails, finish the email and think “If I send this and anybody else in the office sees how I speak to clients, I will be fired”
Below is an email I wrote but did not send to very talented comedian and friend Tom Ballard
_____________
Hi Tom,
How do you feel...
July 2011
1 post
Beer hypothesis
I don’t think beer gets better as you get older.
I think many things just get worse than beer.
I think as you get older what you really start saying about the taste of beer is:
“I’ve been through enough difficulties, that this is now a bearable experience. This.”
It’s a good measure.
I think it’s the same reason rich people like weird food. “Well...
May 2011
2 posts
Faces of People Laughing at Jordan Paris
4 tags
April 2011
1 post
Bill and Ted vs. Royal Wedding
I can’t get over this. On the night of the Royal Wedding, at the exact time of the wedding ceremony, GO! is screening 1991’s cult hit ‘Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey’, the story of two stoners who are murdered by future robot versions of themselves.
What a fucking amazing television programming choice.
Remember, a human person makes this decision. And in this case,...
February 2010
1 post
Chemistry
I met a hero at the chemist yesterday.
There was a box of lollies on the counter with a sign that read “SUGAR - FREE. Please try”
‘Hey, does that mean that you are offering sugar that is free or does it mean that they’re not free and people should be giving sugar-free confectionery a go?’ I asked.
‘It means neither. It means if you answer to the name Sugar...
January 2010
2 posts
Alicia Keyboards
I don’t have ready available internet in Melbourne.
I’m currently sitting in a LAN Gaming centre watching Alicia Keys videos my sister insisted I see while 20 guys around me play World of Warcraft and Call of Duty.
It’s incredible that in a LAN Gaming centre, I’m still the least gangster.
December 2009
3 posts
Less get physical
Last time I went to the beach I tried to use my brother’s skim board.
I immediately slipped backwards and landed on my neck.
I got up and noticed a jogging man who was laughing…laughing oh so much. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn’t breathe, started coughing, stopped his jog and sat down on the sand to regain his breath.
Thus, when I participate in physical...
Gutenberg
Because I’m a novelty shirt douche, I have a t-shirt with a picture of Johannes Gutenberg.
I was wearing it yesterday and an old fat man with a train driver’s cap and big glasses said
“Hey! Hey! Who’s that again?”
Oh, it’s Johannes Gutenberg. He invented the type press
The man said nothing for about five minutes and then turned and said
...
“Going against me is atheist”
– Lil’ Wayne
November 2009
6 posts
New podcast episode out.
Josh Thomas and I have a new podcast episode out.
Season 2! You’ll have to ask your friends for season 1 because we had to remove them.
Trap La Roux
Ha!
Take a listen from 2.00 - 2.40:
I was talking to friend and told them it was SO COOL that La Roux had sampled this:
Thanks to Henry Stone for proving me amazingly wrong via facebook post.
What’s the actual sample?
Look at @gregmlarsen. He’s chronicling his life up to the day he got twitter. Amazing headshot profile pic from when he was goth.
Trying to look cool while eating orange in public.
hell
aaah!
My housemates are having a never ending argument about religious education in schools.
My neighbour has “Second Chance” by Shinedown on repeat.
Which is worse?
“Ants in my laptop.
Eating all the keyboard crumbs,
but don’t bite me...”
– Haiku by Thomas Ward
October 2009
13 posts
This is a sketch from @henryst0ne & greg larsen which I received a directing credit for: http://bit.ly/Q0zJh I really just stood around.
Hairdresser to me: you need to bald a little. You have no forehead.
I will be doing standup at @joshthomas87’s shows in sydney from thursday to sunday. wooooo http://tinyurl.com/yg6vspd
Wow. Well done google for predicting this particular phrase I was looking for: “What do bogan girls wear?”
http://twitpic.com/mbrrg - Just saw this on my facebook feed.
Fuck off kinder surprises with no-assembly-required toys.
Warning brisbane! Just saw guy on george street with t-shirt reading “i’m probably NOT listening to you”. Take caution.
hey world, who’s to say this professional business looking take-away espresso cup isn’t filled with, say, hot chocolate?
My housemates are having stupidly loud sex again. I’m eating corn chips. It should never have become this casual.
I’m doing standup with @joshthomas87, @TomCBallard and @MelindaButtle in this show next week http://bit.ly/2O2PRA
Making another sketch for Josh Thomas Variety Hour. Will post up on saturday. Speaking of sketches check @henryst0ne’s http://bit.ly/168qmx
Lame fever
I’ve been sick for the last four days.
Finally starting to get better.
It was that crazy sick where your fever starts melting your dreams into your surroundings. Generally you wake up and most of your brain knows that Oprah and Santa aren’t actually hammer throwing downstairs, but a big part of your brain still stresses about it.
I had this happen on Thursday, except I’d not...
September 2009
21 posts
I’m so sick of fragrances making me sneeze. I shouldn’t have to make sure I have enough Claratyne to wash my hair.
Google Analytics says most of my blog visitors are on macs. This relief must be how a mother feels when their baby first cries. #MacDouche
“When people warn me about the global financial crisis, my first question is...”
thing heard said. One guy to other guy: “man, i’m lethargic as shit”
The city looks so old-timey. I feel like at any moment Rod Young is going to tie me to some train tracks.